Filmy Food Review: The Pantry, Kala Ghoda

While reviewing The Pantry, new cafe/restaurant in Kala Ghoda I decided to mix my love for food with love for films and scripted down my food adventures. Bollywood ishtyle!

FADE IN FROM BLACK

Scene 1 (opens at a local station in Mumbai)
It’s 9.30 in the morning; our hero and heroine are standing on the crowded Goregaon station to catch a fast train to Churchgate (opening credits roll). They have to reach Churchgate by 10.30 and eat the first meal of their day at The Pantry, new café in Kala Ghoda. A train comes in and they start making their way through the rush to get in and grab a seat
(cut to scene 2)

Scene 2 (inside the train)

Our protagonists are in the train, standing. It is running slow. Tummies are rumbling. (voices of office goers discussing stock market and share prices in the background). The train picks up speed after Bandra and there’s barely a sign of relief on our protagonists’ faces.
(Insert item number. Chaiyya chaiyya on the train)
Jinke sar ho cheese ki chaaon,
Pav ke beech mein patty hogi!

Scene 3 (in Kala Ghoda)
The hero and heroine are walking around trying to locate the café.
(Cut to song) Do deewane/bhookad shehar mein.
(Cut to scene) They enter a lane next to Rampart Row and find white coloured café near Trishna restaurant. As they are about to enter the security guard stops them:

Security Guard: Madam, café toh band hai. 11:30 baje khulega (café is shut, will open at 11:30 am).

Heroine: Nahiiiiiiii! (faints)
Hero: (Holds her in his arms and looks at his watch) Par Twitter pe toh bola tha ki 9 baje khulega (but their Twitter profile said that it opens at 9 am).
SG: Aap ruko, main poochta hoon (wait, I’ll ask)

(He goes in and comes back with the restaurant manager)

Restaurant Manager: Sorry guys, we are not open yet. We’ll open at 9 am only from the next week.
Heroine: (regaining her consciousness) But we have come all the way from Goregaon to eat here.
Hero: Yeah, and we haven’t had anything yet.
(A melodramatic tune plays in the background. No food has gone in their system since the morning and she could do an encore with the fainting bit).
RM: Okay, you can place your orders but it will take a while to be served.
Hero & Heroine: (their sad faces cheer up… with a relieved sigh they walk in) Okay, we’re fine with it.

(Insert a duet with all the waiters and waitresses dancing around and food flying in the background)
Naino mein sapna, sapne mein khana,
Khane ka bill nahi bhara!

Scene 4 Inside the cafe)
Hero and heroine are now seated on small table in a corner. They look cheerful and admire the all white classic French style décor of the café. The huge windows let in a lot of Sunlight and our protagonists are happy to get their daily quota of Vitamin D. They also have free Wi-Fi where freelancers, entrepreneurs, amateur script writers can sit and work. They go through the menu which is attached to a clipboard (the kinds we used in exams).
(Insert flashbacks of our hero and heroine giving exams as kids and running to their moms saying, “maa, main first class first aaya!”)

(Cut to scene 4)
They order a house coffee (Rs 75) which comes in an old fashioned floral cup and saucer. It remindsour hero of his grandma who had similar cutlery. Our heroine orders a café shakerato (Rs 95) which tastes like a cold espresso shot. Heroine is suddenly high on caffeine and wants to do a jig but our hero drags her back. They order breakfast; baked country eggs on a bed of mushrooms, onions and parsley with toasted bread sticks (Rs 145), farmer’s salad (Rs 195) and ham stand (Rs 265). All the dishes except for salad are served with homemade mustard and tomato dip. Our heroine who is fond of semi cooked eggs digs in while the hero munches on his fresh salad which is a mix of lettuce, red radish, carrots, lentil sprouts, green peas, feva beans and shallots. The tangy mustard dip is wiped off with the bread sticks. The ham stand is a fat sandwich with layers of mustard sauce, cheese and ham and is served with a small bowl of salad.
(Montage of hero and heroine eating fast and food quickly disappearing from the table. Insert comic tunes)

While they eat the restaurant manager talks to them and tells them that all the ingredients are sourced from the local Indian vendors; cheese comes from Pondicherry (outdoor location; insert a song and heroine’s shot in bikini), meat from Goa (we can add a side track of Goa’s drug mafia here) and most of the vegetables are sourced from the local markets. It helps keep the ingredients fresher and less costly. The heroine couldn’t agree more as she takes a sip of her fresh tomato and beetroot juice (Rs 125) she just ordered.

(Like all Bollywood films, ours too needs to end on a sweet note) They order an apple puff tartlet (Rs 75) which is a small pastry topped with apples and is served with vanilla custard poured over it. They like that it’s not too sweet and the custard doesn’t have an over powering flavour.

Happy with their morning siesta our hero and heroine pay their bills and walk hand in hand into Mumbai ki garmi with the promise of coming back.
(Picture abhi baki hai mere dost… stay tuned for part two)

FADE TO BLACK
END CREDITS ROLL

Kharcha: Rs 1000 + taxes

On the burp scale: 4/5